Feeling better

I am feeling better! Not the best yet but I'm so much better than I was. I can sleep on Sunday. I can concentrate at work. I am learning and growing in a supportive and steady environment. 

An HR department is incredible. They are not overrated. I appreciate all the restraints on management. I know it must be slightly annoying for them but it is there to stop what just happened to me. I'm feeling so supported and safe. 

I still get a little anxious about the boogeyman. But I've been told that's just conditioning and with time it will dissipate. 

Work is such a large part of your life. It's amazing to have more energy for other things. I have a life again. I feel like I'm breathing. And I'm starting to feel joy again. I am so excited. 

Helping myself

Hi again.

I'm going to see a psychologist. I think I need to. I'm projecting old insecurities onto my new workplace and onto new people. It's making me anxious and I feel a little crazy for it. I want to start fresh and just "leave my troubles behind" but you never really leave anything behind. It leaves a mark on you and maybe it's still too fresh for me to be okay yet.

On the plus side I'm reorganising my finances and I feel like I'm in control of these again.

On the downside, I feel a little trapped in my brain again. I need to do and feel more than think. Harder to do than say.

OH - Happy Australia Day.

New things

I'm settling in to the new job. Some days I don't feel like I know anything at all, and other days I feel like I'm doing okay. It's all very new. I just want to know what I'll face each day. I want a single day where I feel like I know what to do. Like I can solve the problems or fix what's happening on my own. But I can't. I still need guidance and someone to tell me what to look for. I know it's a long process and it will take time but I'm hanging out for the day when I'm there. That sounds silly even to me. How could I possibly already be good at something I just started.

But this is why I picked a specialty. I want to know what to do. It's easier to do this with a single focus and so that's where I'm heading. I have everything I need to get there, I just have to keep going and focus on it.

But outside work my life is opening up again. I'm socialising and I went for a swim today. I'm becoming a more rounded person again. I FEEL better. And I can give so much more because I'm being replenished in my spare time. I needed this. I needed the balance to shift. And I'm grateful it did.

p.s. I'm starting my Masters degree in teaching in February. 

Sunday night

Another Sunday night and I'm sitting here trying to calm down enough to get to sleep. I'm nervous. I'm nervous because I haven't finished a task I said I'd finish on Friday afternoon. I still have time to fix it and I even worked on it a little on the weekend. I am just petrified that I will not be good enough again. I don't know if I can take failing again. But then again, I'll have to if it happens. I can't just skip out. Maybe this is not the career for me. The perfectionism drives you to try and act as if you're not even human anymore. But of course, you are. And so it goes round and around in my head and I try to rationalise but then a little part of me panics and we go around again.

Sleeping on Sunday nights is not my strong suit. 

New new job

So this is an unexpected post.

After my first new job offer I received a better offer and then a counter offer from my current job. I was so flattered. I took the second offer and left the brand new little firm that was so good to me when the chips were down. I'll never forget it. I just wanted the chance to make my career into something spectacular, to grow and learn and improve myself beyond what I was. I didn't have that opportunity at the other small firm. It was the same work, and yes, I would have had a good mentor and a great boss and a job I knew how to do and an expansion into HR but I wanted to be a better lawyer. So I jumped, having absolutely no idea what was on the other side. And I am so glad I did. I am now working on much larger matters and I have a specialty. I have another good boss - I don't know what kind of alternate reality this is - and great co-workers. I don't know how I landed on my feet so well. I almost can't believe that after 18 months of hell and torture that I finally get to breathe again and stop stressing all the time and look after myself. I feel like a different person. I'm not quite myself yet, but I might get there. I'll let you know. 

New job

I have a job! It's amazing. I only have to wok from 9 till 5. I'm not expected to work overtime (well, at the moment). It's also a start-up so I'm a little on edge about that. I'm trying to pour every little piece of creativity, cost effectiveness and management or administration that I've ever acquired to further the business. It's thrilling and kind of worrying. Fingers crossed it all goes remarkably well. 

Boredom

I am terrible at not working. I am so BORED. I've read books, I've watched tv, I've seen friends, I've gone to a movie, I've slept in, I've played games, I've researched jobs, enrolled in my Masters Degree, spoken to lots of people on the phone, cleaned the kitchen and I have more to do, it's just...boring to me.

Unfortunately for me most of it is essential, just not interesting. Guess that happens a lot in life. I'm just not enthused by it anymore.

On a side note - I have been taking my ass outside in Canberra's bloody freezing "spring" temperatures and I'm pleased to report I'm not the same colour as a snow man anymore. So that's good I guess.

I suck at this unemployment thing.

Change

Change is so instant sometimes. It just hits you like a freight train. It was such a shock. I'm still reeling.

On the up side I want to get out of bed again. I don't cry randomly. I am hesitating more than I should but I'm trying not to procrastinate, and I'm getting a few things done each day. I guess that's all I can hope for right now. It's not what I hoped for but it's much better than it was.

Redundant

So I was "made redundant" today.

It's a load of crock. My employer will hire someone else after the appropriate period of time. My boss hated me. It was the worst. And now it's done. I get a payout and I get to move on with my life.

People are expecting me to be upset or angry. And I am, kind of. It's just not very potent. I'm more relieved and happy to have some time to commit to my search and make move that I want to without looking over my shoulder.

I had an interview last week. I have another one next week and a potential job in the tubes. It's all pretty exciting. I'm going to wake up tomorrow and it's not going to be awful. I'm not going to dread it. And it's going to be magical.

I cannot wait.

Change takes time

Apparently change takes some time. I am still job searching. It's not the most fun I've ever had. But to compensate for my frustration in my lack of progress I've joined the gym to change my fitness and perspective.

I forgot how much I love gyms.

I've been avoiding them for a year to make sure that I really missed them and that I actually wanted to go back and not just do something more fun, like dance. Turns out private dance lessons are expensive; FUN, but expensive. And since I'm saving my sweet little ass off in the hopes of building up a decent deposit for my house, the gym is an easier option.

I feel happier, motivated, inspired and lighter. I feel fitter already. I feel like a million dollars. I think, at least for now, that I need this. It is becoming essential to me. I am so addicted. I have to pace myself though. I only went 3 times last week. I wanted to go more and was disappointed when I had other commitments. I'm relaxing this weekend though. I need to. I had such a huge week.

The balance is coming back little by little.

In saying all that, I also cried last week. I had a few moments where I wasn't sure if I was going to make it through that day. But it's better than it was, even if only a little. And that is enough for me.

Perspective

It's funny how one person can make such a difference to a situation. It only takes a single comment on something that seems unbearable to make it smaller. Every time I'm told that someone who is upsetting me is being unreasonable makes my opinion feel validated. When your point of view is validated, it is a delightful thing. We so often question ourselves based on someone else's opinion of us and when someone confirms our belief the relief is palpable. I read this article about how to deal with the dilemma, and while I do not know if it is reputable or right, it does help somewhat with perspective.

https://www.onlinecounseling.org/Jun2008.htm

Making changes

Is it just me who finds making a change hard? I really have to throw myself into it. I have to believe in it and think about it and hold onto my reasons in a death grip of stubbornness. This feels slightly unhealthy, but it does suit my all or nothing persona. But I figure, if you're going to make a change, then make it. Don't half make it. Don't just talk about it. Do it. Do it now.

But moving out of my job is harder than I thought. It's like my feet are stuck in mire and I'm trying to move but can't. I'm going to have to put some more push into it I think. I'm guilty of being afraid to leave. It's kind of like this:

Except I'm yelling at the ball I've chained to my own leg.

Holiday blues

I came back from my holiday to Bali and went back to work. That first week back was the most miserable of my entire life. I hate my boss. I hate where I work. I want to leave. I can't believe I didn't see it before. It became very clear. My job is a bad fit. It is also stressful, hectic, difficult, tense, and it makes me cry fairly often.


Surely a job isn't supposed to be this hard. I'm fine with working hard, in putting in the effort and working on my skills. I'm not fine with being bullied and blamed and taken advantage of.

I need a new job.

Pain

The whispers of an aching heart go unanswered in the still of the night. Hope is lost in the chill of the air as you gaze into the stars, wondering how you ever saw it there.

Dieting

So, not only am I anxious about life in general, my career etc, I'm also anxious about how I look. Society, standards, you know the drill. I'm trying to slim it down a little for an upcoming overseas trip in which there will be a lot of swimming. I am currently residing in the Canberra winter which makes you (read: me) pack on fat like a walrus. I tried to "diet" last night by switching a more filling meal to delicious pumpkin soup (homemade from scratch - I was really trying hard to convince myself to do this). It was great. Then I had a glass of wine, and a bowl of pasta.

Mission fail.

Back to it

My stay-cation was very difficult. I have such a hard time relaxing, it's ridiculous. It was the worst around day 3, I felt like I should go back to work or start a new project. It was just so hard to sit there and do something fun for myself or to try and take some time to look after my mental well-being.

I am now back at work and after a week there, I realised that I was more productive all week, I had greater focus and I felt a lot better.

My week off also coincided with my first week fully off the medication and that helped a lot. The side effects were pretty bad the first week and not much better the second week, but they're easing up now. All of a sudden I'll feel hijacked by an emotion and I will be utterly confused as to where it came from and I'll have to work through it until it subsides.

Time for ME

I have a week off!!! I have finally and blessedly taken a week off to do some things I've been planing to do. Like look for houses and decorate my house and relax. I am SO EXCITED! I have never realy done this. Every holiday has been about my family or going places.

I am having a staycation. And it feels glorious.