Change takes time

Apparently change takes some time. I am still job searching. It's not the most fun I've ever had. But to compensate for my frustration in my lack of progress I've joined the gym to change my fitness and perspective.

I forgot how much I love gyms.

I've been avoiding them for a year to make sure that I really missed them and that I actually wanted to go back and not just do something more fun, like dance. Turns out private dance lessons are expensive; FUN, but expensive. And since I'm saving my sweet little ass off in the hopes of building up a decent deposit for my house, the gym is an easier option.

I feel happier, motivated, inspired and lighter. I feel fitter already. I feel like a million dollars. I think, at least for now, that I need this. It is becoming essential to me. I am so addicted. I have to pace myself though. I only went 3 times last week. I wanted to go more and was disappointed when I had other commitments. I'm relaxing this weekend though. I need to. I had such a huge week.

The balance is coming back little by little.

In saying all that, I also cried last week. I had a few moments where I wasn't sure if I was going to make it through that day. But it's better than it was, even if only a little. And that is enough for me.

Perspective

It's funny how one person can make such a difference to a situation. It only takes a single comment on something that seems unbearable to make it smaller. Every time I'm told that someone who is upsetting me is being unreasonable makes my opinion feel validated. When your point of view is validated, it is a delightful thing. We so often question ourselves based on someone else's opinion of us and when someone confirms our belief the relief is palpable. I read this article about how to deal with the dilemma, and while I do not know if it is reputable or right, it does help somewhat with perspective.

https://www.onlinecounseling.org/Jun2008.htm

Making changes

Is it just me who finds making a change hard? I really have to throw myself into it. I have to believe in it and think about it and hold onto my reasons in a death grip of stubbornness. This feels slightly unhealthy, but it does suit my all or nothing persona. But I figure, if you're going to make a change, then make it. Don't half make it. Don't just talk about it. Do it. Do it now.

But moving out of my job is harder than I thought. It's like my feet are stuck in mire and I'm trying to move but can't. I'm going to have to put some more push into it I think. I'm guilty of being afraid to leave. It's kind of like this:

Except I'm yelling at the ball I've chained to my own leg.

Holiday blues

I came back from my holiday to Bali and went back to work. That first week back was the most miserable of my entire life. I hate my boss. I hate where I work. I want to leave. I can't believe I didn't see it before. It became very clear. My job is a bad fit. It is also stressful, hectic, difficult, tense, and it makes me cry fairly often.


Surely a job isn't supposed to be this hard. I'm fine with working hard, in putting in the effort and working on my skills. I'm not fine with being bullied and blamed and taken advantage of.

I need a new job.

Pain

The whispers of an aching heart go unanswered in the still of the night. Hope is lost in the chill of the air as you gaze into the stars, wondering how you ever saw it there.

Dieting

So, not only am I anxious about life in general, my career etc, I'm also anxious about how I look. Society, standards, you know the drill. I'm trying to slim it down a little for an upcoming overseas trip in which there will be a lot of swimming. I am currently residing in the Canberra winter which makes you (read: me) pack on fat like a walrus. I tried to "diet" last night by switching a more filling meal to delicious pumpkin soup (homemade from scratch - I was really trying hard to convince myself to do this). It was great. Then I had a glass of wine, and a bowl of pasta.

Mission fail.