Boredom

I am terrible at not working. I am so BORED. I've read books, I've watched tv, I've seen friends, I've gone to a movie, I've slept in, I've played games, I've researched jobs, enrolled in my Masters Degree, spoken to lots of people on the phone, cleaned the kitchen and I have more to do, it's just...boring to me.

Unfortunately for me most of it is essential, just not interesting. Guess that happens a lot in life. I'm just not enthused by it anymore.

On a side note - I have been taking my ass outside in Canberra's bloody freezing "spring" temperatures and I'm pleased to report I'm not the same colour as a snow man anymore. So that's good I guess.

I suck at this unemployment thing.

Change

Change is so instant sometimes. It just hits you like a freight train. It was such a shock. I'm still reeling.

On the up side I want to get out of bed again. I don't cry randomly. I am hesitating more than I should but I'm trying not to procrastinate, and I'm getting a few things done each day. I guess that's all I can hope for right now. It's not what I hoped for but it's much better than it was.

Redundant

So I was "made redundant" today.

It's a load of crock. My employer will hire someone else after the appropriate period of time. My boss hated me. It was the worst. And now it's done. I get a payout and I get to move on with my life.

People are expecting me to be upset or angry. And I am, kind of. It's just not very potent. I'm more relieved and happy to have some time to commit to my search and make move that I want to without looking over my shoulder.

I had an interview last week. I have another one next week and a potential job in the tubes. It's all pretty exciting. I'm going to wake up tomorrow and it's not going to be awful. I'm not going to dread it. And it's going to be magical.

I cannot wait.

Change takes time

Apparently change takes some time. I am still job searching. It's not the most fun I've ever had. But to compensate for my frustration in my lack of progress I've joined the gym to change my fitness and perspective.

I forgot how much I love gyms.

I've been avoiding them for a year to make sure that I really missed them and that I actually wanted to go back and not just do something more fun, like dance. Turns out private dance lessons are expensive; FUN, but expensive. And since I'm saving my sweet little ass off in the hopes of building up a decent deposit for my house, the gym is an easier option.

I feel happier, motivated, inspired and lighter. I feel fitter already. I feel like a million dollars. I think, at least for now, that I need this. It is becoming essential to me. I am so addicted. I have to pace myself though. I only went 3 times last week. I wanted to go more and was disappointed when I had other commitments. I'm relaxing this weekend though. I need to. I had such a huge week.

The balance is coming back little by little.

In saying all that, I also cried last week. I had a few moments where I wasn't sure if I was going to make it through that day. But it's better than it was, even if only a little. And that is enough for me.

Perspective

It's funny how one person can make such a difference to a situation. It only takes a single comment on something that seems unbearable to make it smaller. Every time I'm told that someone who is upsetting me is being unreasonable makes my opinion feel validated. When your point of view is validated, it is a delightful thing. We so often question ourselves based on someone else's opinion of us and when someone confirms our belief the relief is palpable. I read this article about how to deal with the dilemma, and while I do not know if it is reputable or right, it does help somewhat with perspective.

https://www.onlinecounseling.org/Jun2008.htm

Making changes

Is it just me who finds making a change hard? I really have to throw myself into it. I have to believe in it and think about it and hold onto my reasons in a death grip of stubbornness. This feels slightly unhealthy, but it does suit my all or nothing persona. But I figure, if you're going to make a change, then make it. Don't half make it. Don't just talk about it. Do it. Do it now.

But moving out of my job is harder than I thought. It's like my feet are stuck in mire and I'm trying to move but can't. I'm going to have to put some more push into it I think. I'm guilty of being afraid to leave. It's kind of like this:

Except I'm yelling at the ball I've chained to my own leg.