Because I have an actual thirst for knowledge I have started doing some online courses. I am very sick of studying to further my career , so I chose something that was extremely different from my everyday exposure. It's had an incredible impact on me. I feel like my brain has started breathing again.
I should put in some context here.
I have just started to recover from some severe anxiety, stress and depression. My doctor put me on some medication to help me out and this has been keeping me steady so far.
But now that I'm coming off these meds, I'm worried that I'll need to find things to pull me out of my "funk". What I realised the other day was that I'd already been doing this. Ever since I found out I was so down and out in my own life, I've started investing in my love of life. I've started motivating myself and pushing me out of the toxic routine I found myself in.
Some things that have helped me are colouring, decorating, exercising, and branching out from the stagnant pool of knowledge that is my career. Not that I don't find the law interesting, I do, I just need something else in my life. I need to move in multiple directions and not in a straightforward manner. But it's nice to find something I'm terrible at and can allow myself to be terrible at. New things are necessary.
Monday, 27 June 2016
Friday, 17 June 2016
Friday Nights
I have been thinking about the evolution of the Friday night. How at first it's exciting because you have two full days of play. Then it becomes a night for sleepovers and hidden drinks and adventures. It slowly morphs into jittery and slightly nauseous expectation and excitement while you try to fit in with the rest. It becomes a blur of laughter, tears, nausea, dizziness, fights and dancing. Then once you are finished with the meat market and the hangovers it becomes something exciting once again. You get to stay up and sleep in, you can eat junk food and spend it with people you love and who love you. It's like you get back to what's really important to you. You begin to spend your Friday nights how you want to, in a way that suits your true self. I am an introvert who relishes time on my own or with someone close. I love being in my pjs, with my hair down, wrapped in something soft and cozy.
So obviously this story about Friday nights is about me. Yours might be different. But I feel like getting older is a beautiful thing. It's hard, because society tells you that you shouldn't but it's nothing short of a miracle for me. I am stronger every year. Knowing my mind and making my own decisions is easier and easier. But I keep marveling at the fact that this is my life. My one true and precious life that is my story and that shapes my identity. It is magical to me.
Friday night is my favourite night because I get to be me; exactly the way I want to be.
So obviously this story about Friday nights is about me. Yours might be different. But I feel like getting older is a beautiful thing. It's hard, because society tells you that you shouldn't but it's nothing short of a miracle for me. I am stronger every year. Knowing my mind and making my own decisions is easier and easier. But I keep marveling at the fact that this is my life. My one true and precious life that is my story and that shapes my identity. It is magical to me.
Friday night is my favourite night because I get to be me; exactly the way I want to be.
Wednesday, 8 June 2016
Monday, 6 June 2016
The goddess
The goddess of the moon was tall and willowy, with skin like
the pale blue of twilight that shimmered with each movement. Her hair was black
as coal and filled with all the stars of the sky. Her face was etched with high
cheekbones and a long straight nose. Her eyelashes were black as the night and
lay thick upon her cheeks. Her beauty was cold and whispered through the night.
She was loved sorely by the sun god, whose skin shone bronze
and bright. His hair was red like fire and his eyes green emeralds. His
eyebrows were strong and swept like an eagle’s wings across his angular face.
His lips were full and luscious and from them came a voice so strong and pure
it seemed to vibrate through your bones.
But it was not to be, for they were not a match, but
opposites, doomed to chase each other through the skies for all eternity. For
each could not survive the other. She
doused his flame with her icy stillness and the brilliance of his light
eclipsed her subtle shimmer.
But so great was his longing for her, that he scoured the
world for another to take his place. Thousands of years wore on, and in his
despair the sun turned to less worthy candidates. He looked for a man so hungry
for power that he would look to assume to role of the sun for his glory. And so
the tragedy came to pass, that he was found. The sun offered the most beautiful
and powerful of men the chance to assume his role in the skies, and without
hesitation he took it and crowed his glory to the world.
The former sun raced through the skies, his light ever
dimming, to finally be close to she who held his heart. When she saw him, she
wept for joy. She never believed that this day would ever come and had resigned
herself to her despair. As their lips met for the first time, he was subsumed
into her very soul, binding them for all eternity. Theirs was a perfect match
of yin and yang, and they lived in harmony as one being – and he is often
referred to as the man ‘in’ the moon, for that is what he became: a man who lived
in his lover’s heart, who cherished her so deeply that he would choose never to
be parted from her. Each month we see them dancing back and forth, waxing and
waning in the sky, with her hair blanketing the sky as it streams out behind
her as she spins in delighted circles.
The price of this love, dear one, for there is always a
price, is that we now have a sun that is trying to draw ever nearer to earth.
He wants to consume the world with his power, to show his might and glory for
the world to see. He is beginning to feel how lonely power is. It sets you
apart from other people, and places a weight on your shoulders that you cannot
see and cannot tell. It is never something to be taken lightly, as he did. And
it is not something to be sought. That is why he seeks more power, for he does
not understand that only when a man is happy with what he has can he ever be at
peace. Power, wealth, position and all the strength in the world will not grant
him what he seeks. He needs the moon; a moon of his own. For it is only when he
finds his balance that he will be content, and until that day, he will torment
this land with drought and fire and tides so high they sweep all away in their
path. What we need, my boy, is to find what it is this sun seeks.
(c) RG
(c) RG
Sunday, 5 June 2016
Monday Morning
Ah, Monday morning. The one point in my week where I'm hopeful I'll actually get everything done. I go in to work with energy and enthusiasm. I love Mondays. They're full of hope and sleepy faces. No one really expects anything from you on Monday morning. It's a beautiful thing.
Saturday, 4 June 2016
Overdoing it
I am guilty of overdoing it almost all the time. I can't seem to stop myself. I find something that's interesting, research it, read about it, and investigate everything I can until I can take action. Once I take action, I throw myself into something. But I don't make any space in my already busy life for this new time consuming thing. I try to just squish it in. It never works. I always end up with a ton of energy (from excitement) that quickly drains away and all the time I am pushing myself past all the signs of tiredness because I just want to read one more chapter, investigate one more listing... Well, you get the idea. Aaaand then this happens:
I am so single-minded in my focus that I lose sight of the bigger picture. I forget to look after myself, I forget to be nice, I forget to socialise, and I forget to relax. This drive and focus also comes across as confidence. When it's actually not really. It's just knowledge, that pours out without hesitation.
Confidence to me is the belief in yourself that you can do or achieve something. I don't have that with very many things. Maybe it's because I don't believe I will be successful that I try so damn hard at everything. To give myself the best chance. Hard work is something I know I am capable of. I am confident in my ability to work and so I apply that to all other things so I am using a strength without having any particular strength in that subject or activity. I believe that you have to make your strengths into transferable skills to succeed.
I am so single-minded in my focus that I lose sight of the bigger picture. I forget to look after myself, I forget to be nice, I forget to socialise, and I forget to relax. This drive and focus also comes across as confidence. When it's actually not really. It's just knowledge, that pours out without hesitation.
Confidence to me is the belief in yourself that you can do or achieve something. I don't have that with very many things. Maybe it's because I don't believe I will be successful that I try so damn hard at everything. To give myself the best chance. Hard work is something I know I am capable of. I am confident in my ability to work and so I apply that to all other things so I am using a strength without having any particular strength in that subject or activity. I believe that you have to make your strengths into transferable skills to succeed.
Thursday, 2 June 2016
I hate days like this. Days that feel like you're all wrung out and then you need to find just a little more to give. Days like this make me want to scream at people. My anxiety flared up so badly I felt like I was going to be sick. The worst part is that it's because my boss gives me these insane tasks at short notice. I can achieve them. I can even exceed expectations. But I wish I couldn't, just so she would stop asking. Because the toll it takes on me mentally is not worth being seen as "brilliant" or the "problem solver". It sucks.
So after a full day's work with some 'compulsory' overtime, a dance lesson, house hunting and some online courses I finally FINALLY get to crawl into bed to read my fantasy novel and pretend that I feel okay. Just for a little while.
So after a full day's work with some 'compulsory' overtime, a dance lesson, house hunting and some online courses I finally FINALLY get to crawl into bed to read my fantasy novel and pretend that I feel okay. Just for a little while.
Wednesday, 1 June 2016
The beginning and the idea
I read this article http://psychcentral.c om/blog/archives/2011/06/29/the-illusion-of-confidence/today while googling my new blog name and it really hits the heart of what I was wanting to write about (which, I admit, I was completely hoping for).
The idea is this: Our society is so drawn to the idea and the presentation of confidence in all things that it mistakes this confidence for skill, leadership, professionalism, competency, and aptitude, among other things.
As a person who comes across as a confident and assertive individual (most of the time) it confuses me. I am plagued by doubts in many things, I have suffered from anxiety, and I am currently experiencing "imposter syndrome" but people think I have everything under control and will be fine no matter what happens. I don't believe this to be true. And I am going to write about what happens inside the head of a seemingly confident person when tackling this beautiful disaster called life.
The idea is this: Our society is so drawn to the idea and the presentation of confidence in all things that it mistakes this confidence for skill, leadership, professionalism, competency, and aptitude, among other things.
As a person who comes across as a confident and assertive individual (most of the time) it confuses me. I am plagued by doubts in many things, I have suffered from anxiety, and I am currently experiencing "imposter syndrome" but people think I have everything under control and will be fine no matter what happens. I don't believe this to be true. And I am going to write about what happens inside the head of a seemingly confident person when tackling this beautiful disaster called life.
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