New job

I have a job! It's amazing. I only have to wok from 9 till 5. I'm not expected to work overtime (well, at the moment). It's also a start-up so I'm a little on edge about that. I'm trying to pour every little piece of creativity, cost effectiveness and management or administration that I've ever acquired to further the business. It's thrilling and kind of worrying. Fingers crossed it all goes remarkably well. 

Boredom

I am terrible at not working. I am so BORED. I've read books, I've watched tv, I've seen friends, I've gone to a movie, I've slept in, I've played games, I've researched jobs, enrolled in my Masters Degree, spoken to lots of people on the phone, cleaned the kitchen and I have more to do, it's just...boring to me.

Unfortunately for me most of it is essential, just not interesting. Guess that happens a lot in life. I'm just not enthused by it anymore.

On a side note - I have been taking my ass outside in Canberra's bloody freezing "spring" temperatures and I'm pleased to report I'm not the same colour as a snow man anymore. So that's good I guess.

I suck at this unemployment thing.

Change

Change is so instant sometimes. It just hits you like a freight train. It was such a shock. I'm still reeling.

On the up side I want to get out of bed again. I don't cry randomly. I am hesitating more than I should but I'm trying not to procrastinate, and I'm getting a few things done each day. I guess that's all I can hope for right now. It's not what I hoped for but it's much better than it was.

Redundant

So I was "made redundant" today.

It's a load of crock. My employer will hire someone else after the appropriate period of time. My boss hated me. It was the worst. And now it's done. I get a payout and I get to move on with my life.

People are expecting me to be upset or angry. And I am, kind of. It's just not very potent. I'm more relieved and happy to have some time to commit to my search and make move that I want to without looking over my shoulder.

I had an interview last week. I have another one next week and a potential job in the tubes. It's all pretty exciting. I'm going to wake up tomorrow and it's not going to be awful. I'm not going to dread it. And it's going to be magical.

I cannot wait.

Change takes time

Apparently change takes some time. I am still job searching. It's not the most fun I've ever had. But to compensate for my frustration in my lack of progress I've joined the gym to change my fitness and perspective.

I forgot how much I love gyms.

I've been avoiding them for a year to make sure that I really missed them and that I actually wanted to go back and not just do something more fun, like dance. Turns out private dance lessons are expensive; FUN, but expensive. And since I'm saving my sweet little ass off in the hopes of building up a decent deposit for my house, the gym is an easier option.

I feel happier, motivated, inspired and lighter. I feel fitter already. I feel like a million dollars. I think, at least for now, that I need this. It is becoming essential to me. I am so addicted. I have to pace myself though. I only went 3 times last week. I wanted to go more and was disappointed when I had other commitments. I'm relaxing this weekend though. I need to. I had such a huge week.

The balance is coming back little by little.

In saying all that, I also cried last week. I had a few moments where I wasn't sure if I was going to make it through that day. But it's better than it was, even if only a little. And that is enough for me.

Perspective

It's funny how one person can make such a difference to a situation. It only takes a single comment on something that seems unbearable to make it smaller. Every time I'm told that someone who is upsetting me is being unreasonable makes my opinion feel validated. When your point of view is validated, it is a delightful thing. We so often question ourselves based on someone else's opinion of us and when someone confirms our belief the relief is palpable. I read this article about how to deal with the dilemma, and while I do not know if it is reputable or right, it does help somewhat with perspective.

https://www.onlinecounseling.org/Jun2008.htm

Making changes

Is it just me who finds making a change hard? I really have to throw myself into it. I have to believe in it and think about it and hold onto my reasons in a death grip of stubbornness. This feels slightly unhealthy, but it does suit my all or nothing persona. But I figure, if you're going to make a change, then make it. Don't half make it. Don't just talk about it. Do it. Do it now.

But moving out of my job is harder than I thought. It's like my feet are stuck in mire and I'm trying to move but can't. I'm going to have to put some more push into it I think. I'm guilty of being afraid to leave. It's kind of like this:

Except I'm yelling at the ball I've chained to my own leg.

Holiday blues

I came back from my holiday to Bali and went back to work. That first week back was the most miserable of my entire life. I hate my boss. I hate where I work. I want to leave. I can't believe I didn't see it before. It became very clear. My job is a bad fit. It is also stressful, hectic, difficult, tense, and it makes me cry fairly often.


Surely a job isn't supposed to be this hard. I'm fine with working hard, in putting in the effort and working on my skills. I'm not fine with being bullied and blamed and taken advantage of.

I need a new job.

Pain

The whispers of an aching heart go unanswered in the still of the night. Hope is lost in the chill of the air as you gaze into the stars, wondering how you ever saw it there.

Dieting

So, not only am I anxious about life in general, my career etc, I'm also anxious about how I look. Society, standards, you know the drill. I'm trying to slim it down a little for an upcoming overseas trip in which there will be a lot of swimming. I am currently residing in the Canberra winter which makes you (read: me) pack on fat like a walrus. I tried to "diet" last night by switching a more filling meal to delicious pumpkin soup (homemade from scratch - I was really trying hard to convince myself to do this). It was great. Then I had a glass of wine, and a bowl of pasta.

Mission fail.

Back to it

My stay-cation was very difficult. I have such a hard time relaxing, it's ridiculous. It was the worst around day 3, I felt like I should go back to work or start a new project. It was just so hard to sit there and do something fun for myself or to try and take some time to look after my mental well-being.

I am now back at work and after a week there, I realised that I was more productive all week, I had greater focus and I felt a lot better.

My week off also coincided with my first week fully off the medication and that helped a lot. The side effects were pretty bad the first week and not much better the second week, but they're easing up now. All of a sudden I'll feel hijacked by an emotion and I will be utterly confused as to where it came from and I'll have to work through it until it subsides.

Time for ME

I have a week off!!! I have finally and blessedly taken a week off to do some things I've been planing to do. Like look for houses and decorate my house and relax. I am SO EXCITED! I have never realy done this. Every holiday has been about my family or going places.

I am having a staycation. And it feels glorious.

Another Snippet

He screamed against the wicked world until his lungs breathed fire. His eyes flooded with torrents of tears until the rivers and streams of his land overflowed. He cried out in despair until his breath created tornadoes that whipped across the fields. Hundreds died and thousands were left broken in the anguish he suffered.

He had lost her, lost her forever, and his heart could not bear each beat it took without her. Nothing could change something so final and absolute. There was no life without her. 

Food for the mind

Because I have an actual thirst for knowledge I have started doing some online courses. I am very sick of studying to further my career , so I chose something that was extremely different from my everyday exposure. It's had an incredible impact on me. I feel like my brain has started breathing again.

I should put in some context here.

I have just started to recover from some severe anxiety, stress and depression. My doctor put me on some medication to help me out and this has been keeping me steady so far.

But now that I'm coming off these meds, I'm worried that I'll need to find things to pull me out of my "funk". What I realised the other day was that I'd already been doing this. Ever since I found out I was so down and out in my own life, I've started investing in my love of life. I've started motivating myself and pushing me out of the toxic routine I found myself in.

Some things that have helped me are colouring, decorating, exercising, and branching out from the stagnant pool of knowledge that is my career. Not that I don't find the law interesting, I do, I just need something else in my life. I need to move in multiple directions and not in a straightforward manner. But it's nice to find something I'm terrible at and can allow myself to be terrible at. New things are necessary.

Friday Nights

I have been thinking about the evolution of the Friday night. How at first it's exciting because you have two full days of play. Then it becomes a night for sleepovers and hidden drinks and adventures. It slowly morphs into jittery and slightly nauseous expectation and excitement while you try to fit in with the rest. It becomes a blur of laughter, tears, nausea, dizziness, fights and dancing. Then once you are finished with the meat market and the hangovers it becomes something exciting once again. You get to stay up and sleep in, you can eat junk food and spend it with people you love and who love you. It's like you get back to what's really important to you. You begin to spend your Friday nights how you want to, in a way that suits your true self. I am an introvert who relishes time on my own or with someone close. I love being in my pjs, with my hair down, wrapped in something soft and cozy.

So obviously this story about Friday nights is about me. Yours might be different. But I feel like getting older is a beautiful thing. It's hard, because society tells you that you shouldn't but it's nothing short of a miracle for me. I am stronger every year. Knowing my mind and making my own decisions is easier and easier. But I keep marveling at the fact that this is my life. My one true and precious life that is my story and that shapes my identity. It is magical to me.

Friday night is my favourite night because I get to be me; exactly the way I want to be.

The goddess

The goddess of the moon was tall and willowy, with skin like the pale blue of twilight that shimmered with each movement. Her hair was black as coal and filled with all the stars of the sky. Her face was etched with high cheekbones and a long straight nose. Her eyelashes were black as the night and lay thick upon her cheeks. Her beauty was cold and whispered through the night.

She was loved sorely by the sun god, whose skin shone bronze and bright. His hair was red like fire and his eyes green emeralds. His eyebrows were strong and swept like an eagle’s wings across his angular face. His lips were full and luscious and from them came a voice so strong and pure it seemed to vibrate through your bones.

But it was not to be, for they were not a match, but opposites, doomed to chase each other through the skies for all eternity. For each could not survive the other.  She doused his flame with her icy stillness and the brilliance of his light eclipsed her subtle shimmer.

But so great was his longing for her, that he scoured the world for another to take his place. Thousands of years wore on, and in his despair the sun turned to less worthy candidates. He looked for a man so hungry for power that he would look to assume to role of the sun for his glory. And so the tragedy came to pass, that he was found. The sun offered the most beautiful and powerful of men the chance to assume his role in the skies, and without hesitation he took it and crowed his glory to the world.

The former sun raced through the skies, his light ever dimming, to finally be close to she who held his heart. When she saw him, she wept for joy. She never believed that this day would ever come and had resigned herself to her despair. As their lips met for the first time, he was subsumed into her very soul, binding them for all eternity. Theirs was a perfect match of yin and yang, and they lived in harmony as one being – and he is often referred to as the man ‘in’ the moon, for that is what he became: a man who lived in his lover’s heart, who cherished her so deeply that he would choose never to be parted from her. Each month we see them dancing back and forth, waxing and waning in the sky, with her hair blanketing the sky as it streams out behind her as she spins in delighted circles.

The price of this love, dear one, for there is always a price, is that we now have a sun that is trying to draw ever nearer to earth. He wants to consume the world with his power, to show his might and glory for the world to see. He is beginning to feel how lonely power is. It sets you apart from other people, and places a weight on your shoulders that you cannot see and cannot tell. It is never something to be taken lightly, as he did. And it is not something to be sought. That is why he seeks more power, for he does not understand that only when a man is happy with what he has can he ever be at peace. Power, wealth, position and all the strength in the world will not grant him what he seeks. He needs the moon; a moon of his own. For it is only when he finds his balance that he will be content, and until that day, he will torment this land with drought and fire and tides so high they sweep all away in their path. What we need, my boy, is to find what it is this sun seeks.

(c) RG

Monday Morning

Ah, Monday morning. The one point in my week where I'm hopeful I'll actually get everything done. I go in to work with energy and enthusiasm. I love Mondays. They're full of hope and sleepy faces. No one really expects anything from you on Monday morning. It's a beautiful thing.

Overdoing it

I am guilty of overdoing it almost all the time. I can't seem to stop myself. I find something that's interesting, research it, read about it, and investigate everything I can until I can take action. Once I take action, I throw myself into something. But I don't make any space in my already busy life for this new time consuming thing. I try to just squish it in. It never works. I always end up with a ton of energy (from excitement) that quickly drains away and all the time I am pushing myself past all the signs of tiredness because I just want to read one more chapter, investigate one more listing... Well, you get the idea. Aaaand then this happens:

I am so single-minded in my focus that I lose sight of the bigger picture. I forget to look after myself, I forget to be nice, I forget to socialise, and I forget to relax. This drive and focus also comes across as confidence. When it's actually not really. It's just knowledge, that pours out without hesitation.

Confidence to me is the belief in yourself that you can do or achieve something. I don't have that with very many things. Maybe it's because I don't believe I will be successful that I try so damn hard at everything. To give myself the best chance. Hard work is something I know I am capable of. I am confident in my ability to work and so I apply that to all other things so I am using a strength without having any particular strength in that subject or activity. I believe that you have to make your strengths into transferable skills to succeed.

I hate days like this. Days that feel like you're all wrung out and then you need to find just a little more to give. Days like this make me want to scream at people. My anxiety flared up so badly I felt like I was going to be sick. The worst part is that it's because my boss gives me these insane tasks at short notice. I can achieve them. I can even exceed expectations. But I wish I couldn't, just so she would stop asking. Because the toll it takes on me mentally is not worth being seen as "brilliant" or the "problem solver". It sucks.

So after a full day's work with some 'compulsory' overtime, a dance lesson, house hunting and some online courses I finally FINALLY get to crawl into bed to read my fantasy novel and pretend that I feel okay. Just for a little while.

The beginning and the idea

I read this article http://psychcentral.c om/blog/archives/2011/06/29/the-illusion-of-confidence/today while googling my new blog name and it really hits the heart of what I was wanting to write about (which, I admit, I was completely hoping for).

The idea is this: Our society is so drawn to the idea and the presentation of confidence in all things that it mistakes this confidence for skill, leadership, professionalism, competency, and aptitude, among other things.

As a person who comes across as a confident and assertive individual (most of the time) it confuses me. I am plagued by doubts in many things, I have suffered from anxiety, and I am currently experiencing "imposter syndrome" but people think I have everything under control and will be fine no matter what happens. I don't believe this to be true. And I am going to write about what happens inside the head of a seemingly confident person when tackling this beautiful disaster called life.