Helping myself

Hi again.

I'm going to see a psychologist. I think I need to. I'm projecting old insecurities onto my new workplace and onto new people. It's making me anxious and I feel a little crazy for it. I want to start fresh and just "leave my troubles behind" but you never really leave anything behind. It leaves a mark on you and maybe it's still too fresh for me to be okay yet.

On the plus side I'm reorganising my finances and I feel like I'm in control of these again.

On the downside, I feel a little trapped in my brain again. I need to do and feel more than think. Harder to do than say.

OH - Happy Australia Day.

New things

I'm settling in to the new job. Some days I don't feel like I know anything at all, and other days I feel like I'm doing okay. It's all very new. I just want to know what I'll face each day. I want a single day where I feel like I know what to do. Like I can solve the problems or fix what's happening on my own. But I can't. I still need guidance and someone to tell me what to look for. I know it's a long process and it will take time but I'm hanging out for the day when I'm there. That sounds silly even to me. How could I possibly already be good at something I just started.

But this is why I picked a specialty. I want to know what to do. It's easier to do this with a single focus and so that's where I'm heading. I have everything I need to get there, I just have to keep going and focus on it.

But outside work my life is opening up again. I'm socialising and I went for a swim today. I'm becoming a more rounded person again. I FEEL better. And I can give so much more because I'm being replenished in my spare time. I needed this. I needed the balance to shift. And I'm grateful it did.

p.s. I'm starting my Masters degree in teaching in February. 

Sunday night

Another Sunday night and I'm sitting here trying to calm down enough to get to sleep. I'm nervous. I'm nervous because I haven't finished a task I said I'd finish on Friday afternoon. I still have time to fix it and I even worked on it a little on the weekend. I am just petrified that I will not be good enough again. I don't know if I can take failing again. But then again, I'll have to if it happens. I can't just skip out. Maybe this is not the career for me. The perfectionism drives you to try and act as if you're not even human anymore. But of course, you are. And so it goes round and around in my head and I try to rationalise but then a little part of me panics and we go around again.

Sleeping on Sunday nights is not my strong suit. 

New new job

So this is an unexpected post.

After my first new job offer I received a better offer and then a counter offer from my current job. I was so flattered. I took the second offer and left the brand new little firm that was so good to me when the chips were down. I'll never forget it. I just wanted the chance to make my career into something spectacular, to grow and learn and improve myself beyond what I was. I didn't have that opportunity at the other small firm. It was the same work, and yes, I would have had a good mentor and a great boss and a job I knew how to do and an expansion into HR but I wanted to be a better lawyer. So I jumped, having absolutely no idea what was on the other side. And I am so glad I did. I am now working on much larger matters and I have a specialty. I have another good boss - I don't know what kind of alternate reality this is - and great co-workers. I don't know how I landed on my feet so well. I almost can't believe that after 18 months of hell and torture that I finally get to breathe again and stop stressing all the time and look after myself. I feel like a different person. I'm not quite myself yet, but I might get there. I'll let you know.